I’m losing my ability to control my anger. To hide my emotions. To glue that mask that everyone likes of the perky girl that I’m accused of being. I’m tired. I think there’s an expiry date that I have reached.
I was telling sunkentreasure the other day that TM fixes my mood. That I come so meni tay2a 7ali before the meeting and somehow the “magical ambiance” of the meeting makes me forget all about it. She told me she was the exact opposite, and tonight I contributed and added to her discomfort and it’s killing me.
I always thought that one should never apologize to anyone else because the right sort of people doesn’t need apologies and the wrong sort takes mean advantage of them. Although this is a way to say I’m sorry, it’s also another way to take things out of my system.
Before I came to the meeting, I phoned a friend to pick her up because I previously told her about today’s meeting. After the “Allo”, she said “bent 7alel” …I knew directly she wasn’t going to come. She decided to fast this particular day!!! I didn’t just tell her today, she knows all about it from Saturday when I visited her. I decided to hurry to arrive earlier than usual. When I arrived there, everyone was very busy with something which is very normal; I was just khayfeh mnl ba53a in front of all the guests. We were like gambling by telling them TV is going to be shooting the meeting when we weren’t sure ourselves! Mr. Moraabi came! We’ll be on TV!
I kept going round in circles in the small hall in front of the entrance door. 2 dear people to me promised to come. I told them be there 4:00 sharp. I said to myself they’ll show up, but they’re acting like “les gens chics”. 4:20 and they didn’t show up. Everyone was in their places ready to start the meeting while I was still waiting in hope. Mrs. Hala saw me from behind the door miming: what? I shaped my lips slowly saying: “guests”. 4:22 I gave up hope, Mrs. Hala chuckled “waiting for Godot, eh?”
Surprisingly enough, a Facebook stranger kept his promise when he said he’s going to come and made it! I loved how natural he dealt with people around as if he knew them or me a long time ago. The meeting started. Almost everyone stumbled if not with words with the wires that seemed to be everywhere. When my turn was on, I forgot to shake hands with the TM. I moved the screen to the middle; I changed the location of the laptop to adjust it for my presentation, and went on. It was all ok until something went wrong with the pc. I tried to save water face and ignored the technical problem. My speech was a remake. It was chosen because it was a success the first time. I felt like an actress. The sparks I felt glowing in people’s eyes last time wasn’t there mostly because they’ve heard it before. It was boring and it showed.
I hate the fact that I made the best speaker ribbon yesterday so I would wear it today! I hate how I LOLed at the joke I picked for today’s meeting with my sisters in the morning and that almost no one understood it. I hate the fact that a friend and two other close ppl broke their promises to me. I hate how Diala left so quickly cuz 3nda zyara. I hate that we spent quite some time after the meeting trying to”radi” Mrs. Etiquette! It was like dealing with babies! I hate how the president and the VP of PR went to get flowers to her when they don’t know the right address, they know the building but not the right floor & they’ll deliver the bouquet themselves and asked me to come with them! I hate how I said we have to plan something after the meeting a week ago but never did, it all fell apart when the gang fartet. I hate that the president and the secretary still don’t know I won’t be working with them next year till now and I don’t dare say it to them because it aches my heart. I hate how Adel was blamed for something he did RIGHT! I hate how he isolated himself acting like it didn’t matter but his red cheeks fada7ou! I hate that they expected him to understand a body gesture that seemed like someone hawiying to a la7meh meshwiyyeh to me. I hate that I haven’t discovered the kind of gentlemen he is before today. I hate that I angered the only person I long to see all the week by refusing to go somewhere to hang together…
I wanted to be alone. To take my ka2ebeh & te3sib with me. To click the delete button to erase this evening from my history in TM.
For all the reasons listed above and for a few others I won’t display, I didn’t want to go anywhere but home. Eh…w heik…